being a fangirl is hard work with many
rewards it drains you with a love
similar to a romantic relationships the
difference being that reciprocation is
never an issue
[Music]
you love this band slash actor slash
personality and you do so boundlessly
you never have to conceal your passion
for the other person's sake because they
are simply unaware of it
it wasn't until I was 13 that music
meant anything to me when I started
really getting into Taylor Swift I loved
her with my heart and soul I can't even
remember how many dreams I had about
being her friend or quotes from her and
her songs I wrote down in my notebooks
honoring her and I look back and laughed
but I can't help but feel comfort and
that I would still look up to the same
artist now who I fell in love with what
I was so young
my other obsession was with older music
I loved listening to Fleetwood Mac and
Joni Mitchell the Beatles Bob Dylan and
a lot of Simon and Garfunkel I found
comfort in them mostly because it was
what I'd brought up with and it felt
really cool to discover the music my
parents liked on my own terms and that
shared love helped me understand my mom
and dad better
at 17 I graduated high school friends
moved away I lost many friendships and
my anxiety about my future start to
creep up on me more than ever I was
looking for something to throw myself
into and Lord gave me what I needed
listening to her music gave me back my
vitality Lord lacked the fear I'd become
accustomed to she wasn't afraid of the
world dance with volatility that
threatened to snap her into bared her
whole soul I lived vicariously through
her I watched videos of her taking in
her feral dancing with a feeling close
to hunger here was something I could
to hug her here was something I could
gain strength from trusting like her
listening to her listening to what she
listened to I did whatever I could to
gain Lords power
she seemed untouchable as a girl
breakable by insecurity and loneliness I
wanted that strength to be bulletproof I
didn't want any more sad songs or
sympathy or comfort
I wanted to sharpen my teeth on
something to get on with it
I found my own voice by watching her
admiring the way she made her weirdness
that being attraction Lord reported life
as she lived it I was struck how much of
my self existed in her songs
I loved Lord so much for what she did
for me that I couldn't help but love
myself since there was so much of my
life in her work I think when we adore
art it's because it often reflects what
we like about ourselves
seeing her walk onstage in a small venue
on a bitter winter night in Detroit was
a catharsis it felt like a religious
experience like I'd made a pilgrimage to
see the angel that cured my heart I
cried and held my arms to my chest
because my heart felt too full once
again
One Direction makes me giddy when I
think about this band all notions of
rationality credibility and legitimacy
goes out the window and gets replaced
with nothing but feeling because there
is no greater drug than being under the
grip of a boyband
fangirling as a method of self-love and
a method of friendship
like my friend Yasmine anime we're
friends because we understand the
heartaches and heartthrobs looking at
pictures of harry and our shared love
that we have so so so unconditionally
with him
it's a special connection and not a day
goes by where we don't update each other
and my friend Hanna and I we've been
friends for years and some of our best
memories are the concerts we've been to
together dancing and singing to the
songs that have made us cry while
driving on the open road online I've met
so many girls who are just like me with
Ford and with Taylor and with one
direction and there are thousands of
bands I have yet to discover as well and
I feel so lucky to be part of a
generation where concerts trend on
Twitter each night and at only our
50,000 people and stadiums watching them
live but thousands online every night at
home watching as well and I think that's
beautiful I find it amazing how happy it
lets us be goofy and loud and obnoxious
ly loving and I realized that I never
would have found these friends I would
not have found myself and my heart
wouldn't be as open if I didn't have
this music
[Music]